Transcribed Talk by J Jaye Gold
When I was seven years old, I went to a costume party. The idea was that your costume would be so good, nobody could guess who you were inside the costume. I remember that every inch of me was covered, right up to my little eyeballs. Toward the end of the party, my mother announced that there would be prizes for everyone. She called out people’s names, and one by one kids went up and claimed their prize.
When she called out my name, I didn’t know what to do. After all, the whole idea of wearing the costume was to be anonymous, but I couldn’t get the present unless I came forth. It was a catch-22. I never went up and claimed my prize because I wouldn’t take off my costume. Similarly, here we are trying to connect with our essence, but we’re buried under a costume we’re unwilling to take off. What if, in order to claim our birthright of being relaxed, natural, spontaneous human beings, there were a requirement that we take off our costume? Instead, we’re always pretending we’re smart or mellow or helpful or whatever it is, and we end up with a costume that completely covers us up.
If you ever watch sports, sometimes it happens that one team is absolutely trouncing the other team; there’s no doubt who’s going to win and who’s going to lose. If you’ve been in that position, you know there’s a certain freedom in knowing you’re going to lose. In fact, the TV announcers will often say something like, “They can really cut loose now.” The losing team starts hurtling long passes or shooting 40-foot baskets. In that situation, if the losing team could get rid of the thought that they’re losing, they’d probably have a great time playing. After all, they can take all kinds of chances and really let go. On the other hand, the so-called winning team has to keep playing conservatively to protect their lead. Protecting one’s lead or protecting yourself from danger always feels tight and constrained.
Perhaps you can think of some analogy of this situation for yourself where you knew you had failed, but you were still there. Maybe it was a job where you’d been fired but were still there for a couple days. During those days, you didn’t care what impression you made; you didn’t care if you did a good or bad job. You could just be yourself. It’s a beautiful lesson to learn. It’s hard to enjoy yourself when you’re trying to look a certain way or protect your lead, but as soon as you admit that you’ve failed, you can relax and be yourself. Maybe the simple recognition that we’ve lost the game can lead us to the openness we desire.
There are a lot of spiritual books out there, and most of them try to tell you how wonderful and divine a being you are. I’d like to write a book called, “How to Appreciate the Loser You Really Are.” We create tremendous stress in our lives by pretending that we’re better or different than we really are. In relation to the Creation, we are all just fools. We have all failed to love, failed to give, failed to find peace. The successes we’ve had are so small in comparison to all the ways we fail and are fools.
We make deals that in effect say, “I’ll pretend you know something if you pretend I know something.” We hide the fact that we’re really so frail, so vulnerable, and limited. We don’t need to feel bad about it—we just need to see it as it is. In fact, often the most special moments you’ve had with someone else were when you’d let your guard down.
It seems to me that the first step on the spiritual journey is to be put in your place. We may have heard this expression growing up and it didn’t feel good, yet if it is your place, shouldn’t you be put into it? Our place is that we are very small. The energy we put into blaming and pretending is energy taken away from our spiritual quest. People come home from work and all they want to do is turn on the tube and find relief because throughout the day, they pissed their energy away by being on guard and putting on a performance.
If you wanted to run a marathon, you’d have to start looking at what you were doing that would be an obstacle to that undertaking. You’d look at what you eat, what you drink, how much you sleep, etc. It’s really very similar with the quest to discover meaning and peace in our lives. Maybe you wonder, “How can I save more energy for my quest?” You have to become less enamored with the things that keep you tired or busy. You need to identify what’s coarse within you, and you can only do that if you’re not so busy protecting yourself and others from seeing who you really are. It takes courage to see who you’ve become and to be honest about it. It’s hard to see oneself without excuses or blame. It requires vulnerability to be real with each other. It’s a holy war.
Grace wants to reach you, but the devices you use to protect yourself in life also function as a barrier between you and that Grace. It’s your job to review this deal you’ve made and decide if you’re okay with it. Some coverings are flimsy and fall away when seen clearly as they are. Some fears seem huge but may be easily shot down. You may be terrified of a roller coaster, but after you ride it a couple times, you might conclude it’s no big deal. If you reveal your vulnerability a few times, you may realize it wasn’t as dangerous as you imagined. You can leave some of your armor and your protective devices behind, and as you do, you may begin to claim your birthright.